By Yislen Felipes, Senior
Thank you (*cries*) for your interest in *Competitive* University. The Admissions Office has carefully reviewed your application to *Competitive* University, and we regret to inform you we do not want to offer you a place in *Competitive* University's Class of 2020 because the rich kid with the perfect SAT score who is in crew and is class president of his haughty private school, where his Daddy pays for his grades, deserves the spot more than you do (even though I have overcome some form of adversity, am the first in my family to go to college, am #3 in my class, have a decent SAT/ACT score, have killer recommendation letters, am in 89 different clubs, and am hella active in your community).
This year, *insert number in the thousands here that everyone glazes over* candidates applied for places in the first-year class, making this one of the most difficult selection processes in our history. Blah, blah, blah, they say this every year. The many strengths of the entire applicant pool – as demonstrated by scholastic successes achieved (NUMBER FREAKING 3), by research projects undertaken (??????? Do they mean in, like, a lab and stuff? What kind of high schooler has time for that? Is this why I wasn’t accepted?), by community service performed (I have over 1000 hours???), by activities pursued (I am literally involved in everything!!), by essays written (my essays were bomb because they are Ms. Fetch-approved!!!) and by books read (really? What does this even truly tell you? Oh, you must be a smart cookie because you’ve read 6 of Shakespeare’s works along with some other important pieces of 18th and 19th century English literature. NO! The person probably had to read it for school! It’s too easy to lie in this section...) – made the selection process more competitive than simple numbers could possibly indicate. Then why must you place so much emphasis on SAT scores when it’s been confirmed they are NOT a good indicator of how well you will perform in college? Indeed, while we are gratified by the number of candidates seeking the excitement and challenge of the *Competitive* University experience (yeah, you’re great. I get it. BUT SO AM I), the size of the pool sadly compels us to disappoint many talented and appealing students. Well, hire a contractor and make that pool bigger to make space for me!
We want you to know that our decision in no way reflects a lack of confidence in your ability to achieve success in your college plans and on through life (even though this impersonal letter says otherwise…MAYBE if you told me what was so terrible about my application, I wouldn’t feel like I’ve dishonored my entire bloodline). Our experience is that the vast majority of students who do not gain admission here go on to distinguish themselves at fine colleges and universities throughout the world, and we are confident that you will do so as well. So, I ain’t good enough for you, and I should go to community college or state school because this rejection has depressed me for the next month. We must make clear, however, that since our decisions are made after many hours of intense deliberation, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions cannot consider any review of this decision. In other words, accept that you weren’t accepted.
We appreciate your interest in *Competitive* University and wish you the best in your pursuit of higher education.
Dean of Undergraduate Admissions
*Continues ugly crying uncontrollably like Kim K.*
Just remember this: keep your head up because this is not the end of the world. It’s the school’s loss, not yours. The first of week of school, Ms. Müller told the seniors something that has stuck with me since then, and I’d like to share it with you: “Wherever you end up is where you’re meant to be.”